Well, well, well, Bachelorette Andi, we meet again. And this time it was full of giggles and only minimal tears. No worries though, Reader, we all know that Andi loves the dram' and crying is her favorite past time.
The show starts out with a serious moment that I won't mock. The season is dedicated to Eric Hill, a guy vying for Andi's love this season, who passed away not long after filming. I like him already and feel sad that he is dead, so I won't make any comments about how meaningless it seems to "dedicate" season 9 of a reality TV show to him. Honestly, he is worth more than 25 men trying to date one stranger.
You know you agree with me, Chris Harrison. [all images screenshots via]
Totally not staged.Also, I appreciate that Andi loves "putting away bad guys", "fighting crime", and her explanation that graffiti like this translates as "I mean, this is just like 'welcome to the gang'."
It's a gang thing, RIP POOH CURT, you wouldn't understand.
But none of that matters as much as her quest, errr, her JOURNEY for true love! But first, shopping spree!
Her sister shows up for moral support, Andi takes a moment to cry before having another fashion show. She puts on a gold, sparkly dress to talk to her sister and show off how pretty she is. Then she puts on a different gold, sparkly dress that's more appropriate to meet her 25 blind dates. She makes her way to the mansion where Chris Harrison greets her and explains the name of the game. He said that he would bring her a "first impression rose" later on to give to the man who she definitely wants to see more of. He then said "Let the journey begin."
Andi then takes her first step to Mordor as the first limo pulls up. We hear the howls of about six men, one of them stating that her smile is "devastating", which is an adjective better suited for a flood or fire.
One by one the men begin to pour out of the limo. Fast out of the gate is Chris, a GMO soybean and corn farmer, who claims that Andi is "the reason" he is here and some other things that city folk just don't understand. He is quite charming and I hope he sticks around a while.
Some bow tie named JJ comes out claiming he's a "Pantsapreneur" and his greatest achievement is starting his own business - which isn't nearly as impressive to me as him being 6'5". Not every man can achieve that!
Another studmuffin walks out and introduces himself as Marquel. He is dressed like Harrison from Scandal and sets the tone for an onslaught of men in suits with gingham shirts.
A few other men come out including Cody, a poor man's Sean Lowe/Macklemore hybrid on roids.
Poor big dork.
Rudie, an attorney (just like Andi!), came out with some "fun attorney humor" ablazin'. He pulled out his craft time project, completed with stapled together pink construction paper and a Crayola marker. He then made his "voluntary 4th waiver" joke and he alone got a good laugh about it.
Next is a doctor with Captain Worf hair. He diagnosed Andi as having a "fever" because she looks "really hot!" Pause for crickets then smile and nod. With the comedic timing of a refrigerator, he said "Seriously.... all joking aside you look great." She didn't return any compliments.
Brett, a hairstylist with a stupid mohawk mullet (mullhawk?), brought Andi a lamp from the hotel because his mother taught him to "never greet a lady empty handed." She probably did say that but I'm sure she didn't intend for him to admit to stealing a lamp on national television. Nor do I think she suggested he get a fat rat-tail.
Another limo pulls up and a long-haired bartender introduces himself as "Camps" and laughs more awkwardly than whatever that unexplained nickname is.
Eric, the now deceased "explorer", greeted Andi with some dolls that a little girl in Peru gave him to give to his "girlfriend". I don't know if I believe that but he's so charming I will approve of anything he says.
Some more men meet her, most of the introductions are not too memorable.
Once inside the men continue to talk about how wowowowowowow stunning Andi is. I seriously question that the way they are speaking about her unbelievable beauty is really how men would speak about her in an all male setting.
When she walked in Craig, a guy who had sprayed champagne on the driveway for his introduction, yelled out across the room "YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE" and got the party started.
Fresh off the boat
Before taking time to talk to each of the men, Andi announced "I think I could find my husband in here." Tee hee. Time to chat with all those dudes!
Stand out Marquel makes his presence known in the best way possible with a "cookie tasting." He had a platter piled high with different kinds of cookies (MY LOVE!) because (like me!) "cookies are the love of my life." He suggests she try the cookies with her eyes closed and that no man at the mansion can "match [him] in the cookie world." It's a good thing I wasn't there because I know I could put him in his place.
Really getting into it...
Let me brag about my standing in The Cookie World for a moment.... while on the East Coast, I attended a trivia night with my friends. Surrounded by Brown graduate students I was giving little input on most of the trivia with the exception of my answer "Baby Phat" and my response to this question:
Trivia Lady: What cookie and cracker company-I know. I'm good. Some might even say... uncommonly good.
Me: *whispers confidently to teammates* Keebler.
Trivia Lady: -has the slogan "Uncommonly made, uncommonly good."
Anyway, Chris Harrison walked in to drop off for Andi "that rose we talked about earlier" like the first impression rose is some big secret or STD medication or something.
Another thing Chris Harrison talked to her about earlier was that creepy Chris B. from a past season of the Bachelorette had, apparently, been camped outside of the mansion for a week. He looked pretty dolled up though so I assume he made a few pit stops at the local Wal-Mart bathroom for some sink showers and to change into his suit in the handicapped stall.
Chris B. had brought Andi a bouquet of red roses and had hoped that his dead eyes could lock onto Andi's big browns and they would fall in love. Unfortunately, after Chris Harrison discussed it with Andi, Creepy Chris B. had to be escorted off the premises - which was disappointing. Even though I did not like the guy, it would have livened up the slow slow boring slow first episode. It's always fun when a "crasher" comes on the show - like on Sean Lowe's season when Kacie B. showed up hoping to meet him on the first episode. I'd imagine the men on the Bachelorette wouldn't be as dramatic as the women on the Bachelor though. I remember one woman who, upon the idea that Kacie B. could possibly be competing for Sean Lowe, faked passing out and said "On a scale of 1 to 10 I think I'm going to throw up." Ahhhh, women can be so sweet to each other.
Let's kick this in high gear! Andi wore all the men's jackets and giggled a lot. The Farmer was charming. Lots of guys wore gingham shirts. Andi described some dude named Marcus as "hot, hot, hot" and she gave "that rose we talked about earlier" to Nick V., a guy with a polka dotted tie.
He seems really, really sweet.
Chris Harrison announced it's time to go into the Rose Ceremony and Andi gives a speech about all the hope she has for love, y'all (her use of "y'all", not mine).
As the intense background music played, she gave a rose to the Pantsapreneur, the now-passed-away Explorer, Craig "YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE" LifeofdaParty, Tasos, Josh M., Bryan, Bradley, Marcus, Andrew, Ron, Carl (all these names mean nothing to me either, Reader), Farmers Only, Dylan, Brett the mullhawk lamp man, Patrick, Poor Man's Sean/Macklemore, Marquel the Cookie Monster, and the final rose went to Nick With a Bald Patch.
All the men with full heads of hair shook their heads in disbelief.
Sans roses, the men with long(ish) hair had to leave, along with Rudie the Attorney, and a few others - including Anal with an M. But that's probably just because ABC will need him this season to fly their helicopter dates.
Before walking into the foggy darkness (couldn't ABC have hired the helicopter guy to fly them out?) the men gave their little rejection speeches.
The Doctor, with the silly, long hair and bad pick up lines, said that he is "not going back to a whole lot." Which means that all he has waiting for him at home is his hair dryer and Rusk products.
Into the darkness.
Some guy named Josh B. gets teary-eyed, which is hopefully a result of late-night filming and alcohol, not because of unrequited love. Josh B. goes on to make things worse for himself by getting angry, saying cusses not suitable for network television, and stating that he is so "embarrassed." After this rejection his plans are to go on a bunch of vacations. He then maturely said "this is stupid" before walking into the dark, foggy woods.
Inside Andi toasts and giggles as we find out what is on...
this upcoming season of The Bachelorette!
Andi and a dude dressed up as old people on a tire swing! Venice! Traveling! Kiiiiiisssssing! Things Andi never knew were possible! Feelings! Connections! Marquel is having problems (cookie withdrawals?!)!!!! "She's my girl!" said some man who owns Andi! Not everything smells like red roses... because Andi is exhausted!!!! Andi is crying?!!! THIS IS REAL! Every single day this is real to ANDI!!! If the men don't think it's real THERE IS THE DOOR!
See you next week, Bachelorette Fan.