Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Bachelorette Ep. 2: Hoping for Hopeful Hope

After sending home all the long-haired men last week, Andi woke up feeling refreshed. She immediately began to put make up on top of her make up'd face.


At the mansion the men ran around cheering because they live in an awesome frat house. Farmers Only couldn't think of a better way to start a relationship with Andi than living with 24 of her boyfriends in a 10-bed dorm style mansion. All the men go to the kitchen to gather around enough fruit and donuts to eradicate world hunger and toast their mimosas "to Andi!"

"To excess!"

Chris Harrison walked into the sausage fest and asked what they think of the place. All the men cheered loudly and exclaimed about how awesome it is. Chris Harrison asked, "How do you feel about Andi?" and they were less enthusiastic but I don't doubt they are there for Andi! Chris Harrison set down the first date card and, because this is how men talk, Tasos said "game faces, boys" as he read the card.

Cody's greasy game coil and notcreepy smile.

The date card read "Eric, love is everywhere. <3 Andi"

Andi pulled up in her snazzy convertible to pick up Eric the Explorer. He has been camping with a witch doctor, motorcycled across Africa, and knows that "Love can be found anywhere." Which is totally his opinion and not just because that's what was written in his date card.

They head to the beach to strip down to their swimsuits (I thought Andi said she "didn't wear bikinis"?! Must be contractionally obligated now.) and they totally have the best time ever.


Suddenly Emil ("Anal with an M") comes flying up in a helicopter. Well... it's never revealed that it's Amal but we know it's him since he got kicked off last week. Eric was surprised the helicopter was for them because, apparently, he doesn't know how this show works.

The choppa landed on Bear Mountain and they both couldn't believe how wonderful it is that they went from the beach to the snow. They try to recreate a date as good as Sean and Cathy but we all know it's not the same. They put snow clothes over their swim suits and Andi looks much cuter than I would look, which is good because Eric has a thing for "snow bunnies".

I'm not the kind of snow creature Eric's looking for.

They snow boarded and Andi wasn't any good (neither am I though!) but Eric lied and said she picked it up fast. The music rose as they held hands and snowboarded slow mo down the not steep hill. Andi thinks Eric's HOTT and one of them said "this could really be the start of an incredible love story." Yawn! They talk about how crazy it is that they started at the beach, rode in a helicopter, and then went to the snow.

After sledding, they went to a cabin and talked about how in one day they went from "the beach, to the snow" and, now, to the cabin! Andi asked most of the questions because, let's face it, Eric is the interesting one in that relationship. She asked him "How was Syria?" then the music changed to something more somber. This was Andi's face as he explained the dangerous situation he was put into while in Syria:


Super serious super frowny face and totally not angry.

Despite having done so many exciting things, Eric claimed his "biggest goal in life" is to have a family. Andi asked him to list off everyone in his family who is married (boring!) and he continued to not ask her anything about herself. They talk again about how perfect their date of beach, helicopter, mountain, then cabin was and he gets the rose.

At the house it's revealed there's a group date coming up where they will "bare" things. Craig, the one who got the party started last week, said "There's the cheers to that come on boyssssssss!" and is excited at the prospect of getting naked.


The next day a party semi truck pulled up and the men come out. Craig, who tends to speak like a ventriloquist when he's excited - all teeth, no lips moving - said "I hope she loves me! I love her!"

Too soon, Craig.

Andi greeted them and they walked in just in time to see Magic Mike and Co. come out for a strip tease.

Jazz hands and "Jesus" tattoo over his heart.

The "Hollywood Men" were there to teach all the dudes a stripper routine so that they can perform to benefit "charity." The men have mixed feelings about this: Cody thought it would be "nice" to show off his bod, Tasos likes the attention, and Marcus is just "damn right scared."

Cody's been working hard on getting his meathead as big as his biceps.

Andi said "No judgment. Just a really fun day!" but I don't adhere to that "no judgment" thing. I'm totally going to judge the size of their hose.


And also their bad tank tops.

Craig is excited to strip for sexy ladies... I mean Andi, just Andi... but he's also excited to see Josh strip. "Josh is a stud. I'm not gonna look as sexy as him. He's got the full package!"

Highs and lows as he realizes he will never look as good as Josh.

Craig went backstage to stuff a towel into his pants in hope of measuring up to Josh.


"I wanted to make an impression." he said as he shoved a hand towel down his pants.

Inside the club, the women cheered as Chris Harrison came out to explain that "All of your proceeds go to charity." but he never said what charity. Ever. For all we know it might just be some girl named "Charity" that Chris Harrison is boinking.

The "four sexy cowboys" come out first and Craig is impressed with Josh. "He's incredible!"


"Look at their packages!" the women said. Luckily Andi doesn't realize Craig had a little help.

Nick S. came out for his solo stripper robot dance. He stripped down to a thong and bent completely over revealing his Amal because he doesn't know what women want.


More "sexy service men" come out and the women (and Chris Harrison) are pleased.



After the stripping for "charity" ended, the men went to a fancy mansion for cocktails and Craig immediately wanted to toast. Thus begins a long night of drinking for Craig. Actually, he probably started the night before so this is more like the middle of a 24-hour bender.

Josh M. and his perfect hairline had some things he wanted to get off his chest, and it's not just the hair he's recently waxed off. He wanted to make sure Andi doesn't stereotype him because he's an athlete with perfectly manicured eyebrows. She totally was but admitted he's her type and he said "you're my girl" because he hasn't dated for 5 years.


Craig talked more about his man crush. "Josh is a stud, dude! I love his face!!" Then, in reference to having to strip next to someone so hot compared to him "Josh I just want to kill your face!" So obviously there's some confusing emotions there. Craig then made fun of the stripper robot as Nick with a Bald Patch (aka Robot Stripper) looked sad.

 "At least I wasn't the robot!!!"
Hey....

As the night went on and Craig got even more happy drunk and he wanted some alone time with Andi "the most beautiful thing" he's ever seen in his life. During their alone time he asked the most important questions, "Who's your favorite?" and he gladly accepted her lie of "you." "Oh my gahhhh that was so sweet of you!"


He then took full advantage of their alone time and asked the first thing that came in his head. "What's your worst thing about your parents?" and we all laugh because that's not a sentence sober people form.


Craig then jumped into the pool with his clothes on. "Oh gosh it's too hot! Too hot on my body!" he yelled as he threw his shirt and got the party started.

Robot Strippter was in there with him.

He then went in the kitchen and pushed some guy named Patrick. The producers told him to put his clothes on and Andi is not handling his scene well. Not realizing there has to be at least one drunken person who makes a fool of themselves, she questioned the motives of all the men because of one very drunk apple.

In the end, she gave the rose to Marcus for his solo, sober strip tease.


The next day Farmer Chris got ready for his solo date, or as he put it "Got to put some lipstick on this pig." because he's an adorable farmer.

He showed up at the horse race track to meet Andi, his "dream girl" and then she gave him a fancy new suit to put on. Of course the camera man followed him into the dressing room for some eye candy and Chris said "I feel like I'm pretty woman right now."

So dapper.

They have a cute, boring date that felt like they had "traveled back in time", even though they are still surrounded by modern clothing, smart phones, and a large camera crew.


A cute old couple ABC paid to ask them how long they'd been together said that Andi and Chris made a "beautiful pair."

They are the beautiful ones.

That night there was a Bachelorette Full Moon and they ate food that was "exclusively specifically" for them. Under soap opera lighting the two realized how much in common they have because they both want to find their soul mates. They must be meant for each other because it's not typical for someone to want to meet the love of their life.

They end the night with by poorly mid-speed dancing at their solo concert where an emo band sang the lyrics "am I meant to be alone?!" which certainly can't be foreshadowing.


Of course Farmer Chris got a rose.

The next night at the Before The Rose Ceremony Drinking Party, the man scramble to get the ever important alone time with Andi. She gave a speech full of hope about how hopeful she is that hopefully she will end up with one of the hopeful guys in the room full of hope.

The men performed for Andi, like, literally - the hairdresser with a mullhawk put on a sock puppet show.


One guy threw plates. Marquel experimented with some pattern mixing.


Craig played guitar and sang her an "I'm sorry I got drunk and naked" song, which he has probably played a few times before this night. It included the lyrics "please let me staaaaay!" so, yeah, it didn't come off desperate at all.


Craig is "so nervous." He is full of hope though and is "so excited to hopefully get a rooooooose!!!"

I'm going to miss him when he's gone.

Josh rambled and blushed and then digressed into a Juan Pablo by palming her face.


She liked it though and they kissed.


And I'll admit, it was the most charming a giant, sweaty mitt to the face could ever be.

Chris Harrison came in to earn his weekly paycheck and Craig gently rested his hand on Josh's shoulder as Chris Harrison called them into the Rose Ceremony.


Full of hope, Andi said "I came here to fall in love. I feel hopeful in that and I hope you do as well."

She handed out a bunch of roses to men, most of who I don't recognize, and neglected to give a rose to Carl the Firefighter, Nick with a Bald Patch, and Craig. The men don't handle it very well.

"I don't know where it went wrong... I'm gonna miss Andi. She's gorgeous, really cool, we could've been something..." then the Firefighter walked to the street to start over his search for love.


Bald Patch ran into the door frame as he walked out, but that can be blamed to his shock and the tiny size of that door.

The door is so small it must be made for ants.

"I'm shocked a bit. I'm trying to hold it together. I'm trying to hold it together and not freak and break down."

Real shame she didn't keep him around....

Craig felt horrible for what he did and that he blew his only chance at love. He said that it was "a mistake I’m gonna have to live with the rest of my life." Meh. It's not that big of a deal, Craig. You obviously liked Josh more than Andi anyway.

Let's all toast to hope for the hope of hoping for hopeful love!


Next week on The Bachelorette!

An old timey steam train! Andi dressed up like an old lady! TWO FULL EPISODES! Over TWO NIGHTS! Boyz II Men will be there!!!! And Andi is so offended that there are men there who don't take this seriously!!! THIS IS SO REAL TO HER!!!!! Every day, it's real!!!!!


7 comments:

  1. i mean, should i just get 'team famer chris' shirts made now?? he is SO adorable.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've never watched the Bachelorette (seemed a little creepy to me bc of the speed dating/public pda aspect) but your recaps are gold! I couldn't stop laughing at Bald Patch's misadventures.

    Brittney

    Another Beautiful Thing

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