Thursday, November 14, 2013

Project Runway, Ep. 3: Cocktail Dress Architects

Okay, Reader. So maybe no one noticed that I didn't recap episode two. But, in case you did, here's a quick one: inspiration was arachnids and insects for an avant garde challenge. Alyssa Milano is cold, uninteresting, and stands at least 20 feet away from the contestants at all times. Elena FREAKED out the whole time - crying, bawling, crying, more ugly crying. Jeffrey made something that looked like a terrible lamp and Isaac Mizrahi thought it was "such a crime" for a woman to wear a hood because she won't be able to drink her martini. Mychael won (despite the fact that his model had a milk mustache) and sweet, sensitive Daniel went home (the only compliments he got was for his personality). But that was okay because he felt like he has "already won" just by being on the show. Actually, nice guys finish last.

Last week's winner. [source]

Moving on!

Last week on Project Runway All Stars! The designers were told they would have a "night off" (eye rolllllll) and met at Jay-Z's 40/40 Club, which was adorned with bottles of Armand de Brignac. This is of significance to me because a client gave my office (well, not my office but my boss' office...) a bottle of this expensive champagne. It remains unopened. It was in the unlocked cupboard of our bathroom but I have since had the presence of mind to move it to an unlocked drawer in the receptionist's desk. I'm getting off track here....

Chalay-Z

Surprise, surprise! Alyssa Craplano shows up to tell them she lied and they actually have to get drunk on cocktails and then design a dress. Viktor loves this idea because "New York is all about meeting up with the girls and drinking cocktails." He also liked this idea because it gave him a chance to flirt with the bartender, I mean, the "cocktail architect". He whips out his Glam Fan and says "I'm very intrigued by the Tiger's Eyes... like yours... WINK WINK" was the line Viktor came up with for the tiger-eyed cocktail architect.

He always dresses hilarious. [source]

The words he said though were decidedly better than Elena doing some sort of Italian accent and Korto licking the glass and staring creepily into Jeffrey's tiger eyes.

Later at Mood, Elena hovers over Swatch and makes terrible sounds at him because she's terrible and crazy and wears lots of blush. Zanna Roberts Rossi doesn't escort them there, like Tim Gunn would, because she's terrible. They all buy fabric with their $100 budget.

At the Project Runway All Stars work room the designers brag about the work they have done with celebrities before Zanna comes in to give vague advice, sub-par criticism and inspirational phrases like "You can do this." The designers combat her terribleness (a thesaurus is on my Christmas list) by saying some fun criticism of about others' terrible dresses but not fun enough criticism for me to type out. Elena seems slightly more sane than the previous week but I'm sure she's on the verge of her laughs turning to sobs at any time.


Despite the short amount of time they have to make their dresses, they all get it done. Before the runway show, Korto mentions completely naturally and void of any product placement: "We've got to hit the Mary Kay® studio to get Mary Kay® make-up."

At the runway, Alyssa Milano comes out wearing great grandma's wallpaper and clenches her fists to create enough pain to muster up a cringe that sort of looks like a smile.

No one likes you, Alyssa. [source]

She introduces the judges: "the Gorgeous Georgina Chapman" *previously recorded clip about her Marchesa line*, Isaac *previously recorded clip about his line*, and guest judges Rebecca Minkoff and Nate "#targetdoesitagain" Berkus.

Who knew Nate Berkus was handsome? [source]

And now, to the runway! Irina's model walks out in Christmas paper (apparently it was feathers?) and half of a rain jacket. Christopher's model walks out in a very pretty, nearly see-through doily dress made out of curtain material:


Nate Berkus said that Christopher had already won the challenge. (Foreshadowing!) While the judges all love it, Isaac said the delicate jewels on the back were "gratuitous" because Christopher tried "too hard to make it special." Nate disagreed and said that it added "a little cha cha" to the back. Fashion is weird.

 Mychael made a glorified bridesmaid dress with hip fins. Jeffrey made a dress out of an old velour couch:

And he wore weird woman pants. [source]

Elena made a dress that "any woman would want to wear":

I don't want to wear it. [source]

She's crazy but for some reason the judges are "intrigued" by her.

Seth Aaron made a "statement piece" that any street walker would be proud to wear.

Melissa made an asymmetrical dress just like every other dress she does and the judges were underwhelmed. Isaac said nonsensically: "It's stuck at this moment we are in, instead of forward looking. Think of the next step." Just dress fashion forward, of course!

Korto made a mullet dress that would accentuate even the tiniest woman's back fat, which makes Alyssa not too crazy about it:


Viktor whips out his Drama Fan when his model walks the runway. Oh, and he made a pretty interesting dress that was nearly ruined with by a terrible slit in the front:

Please note his teddy bear shaped bolo tie. [source]

Isaac said to Viktor, completely seriously: "Congratulations, darling, I think this is divine." Because that's how fashion people talk.

Before Alyssa announces the winners she said that she was going to wear the winner's dress, like that's some kind of achievement for her to get some of their free clothes. Despite the slit in the front, Viktor is the winner! He said humbly, "I'm here to stay and I'm here to rule." But, wait... a twist! Christopher will also get the honor of giving a free dress to Alyssa Milano to wear somewhere. Again, it's all very vague but is supposed to be a real treat.

Unfortunately someone has to go home... and that's ol' crazy eyed Melissa.... for what Isaac called a "sales rack" dress, which is the worst kind of insult. To add insult to injury, Alyssa Milano remained in her chair, 30 feet away from Melissa, and waved "goodbye." I miss Heidi and Tim.


6 comments:

  1. I HATE ALYSSA MILANO.

    aaaaand that distracts from focusing on what the show is about....can't even remember this past one....so I'm going to have to watch again.

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    1. Why is she so awful?! And more importantly, why would Heidi Klum allow her to be... the fake Heidi Klum?!

      I'm glad I'm not the only one with blinding hatred. ;)

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    2. that's Samantha from "who's the boss?" you're talking about! D:

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  2. What? No "auf wiedersen" and kissing? Cold.

    "Chalayn-z" hahaha. That gold bottle looks super fly. You have so much restraint, not poppin that bad boy.

    I heart project runway, but it sounds like "all stars" is not doing its mother show justice. Is this accurate? Plus...no Tim...what's the point? I guess they're just trying to "make it work!!"

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    1. No! Alyssa Milano uses the English word for "goodbye" and doesn't give them any goodbye consolation kiss. She literally just sits there, like 20 feet away from them, and waves goodbye. She's the worst. It's still a pretty decent show, I just miss Tim (so much!) and Heidi.

      Thank you for recognizing how much restraint it takes for someone as fly as me to not pop open a bottle of Jay-Z's champagne. We actually have three bottles of various unopened champagne at our office!

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  3. Awesome recap. :) I love "Watching" shows via your blog. It's much faster and ten times more hilarious/interesting.

    ReplyDelete