Thursday, October 31, 2013

Project Runway All Stars, 1: THAT is Punk?!

The Project Runway that no one really cares about reared its familiar head (or heads, rather) last week. For those who are not familiar with Project Runway All Stars, it is the same premise as its mother show: there's a group of talented, hopeful fashion designers who design and sew clothes based on each week's theme in a super short amount of time. Each season of Project Runway has a take-all winner and those that don't win can always go on All Stars.

One big fab-u-lous, cut and pasted together family. [source]

The first eager face we see in Bryant Park is season nine's Viktor Luna, a small man with many bow ties. Next, season three's Mychael Knight shows up in a shirt that is actually worse than the spelling of his first name.

Group hug and LOOK AT MYCHAEL'S TERRIBLE HALF-LEOPARD SHIRT. [source]

Korto Momolu, from season 5, comes shimmying up and undoubtedly will show off her skill with prints this season. Next up is super B Elena from season 10. She didn't even win ANY challenges on her season but SOMEHOW she is still considered an All Star. Her goal this season isn't to actually win but to prove she's not a total bizzle because she does yoga now. But if you make her mad (!!!) she's going to go "Elena on your a$$!!!" (Her words, not mine.) I think you get the picture, Reader. And in case you don't dislike her yet, let me prompt your hatemotions with this:

I rest my case. [source]

Also from season 10, Melissa is here and she tries to hide all of the negative feelings towards Elena as she hugs her top-knotted, spray tanned body. Another tenner is Christopher Palu, who I've always had a soft spot for. Lastly, a new face shows up. Well, not new new. Here, take a look for yourself:

Werk it, gurrrl. [source]

That's season eight's Andy South on the left, who is now Ari South on the right.

All the designers meet Alyssa Milano (poor man's Heidi Klum) in Bryant Park. She announces this is the "biggest season of All Stars ever" (not that hard, three seasons in) and we are given our first twist! Don't get too comfortable, Designers, there are more All Stars! And these ones are REAL All Stars because they actually all WON their season. With that intro, the jerk with the neck tattoos, Jeffrey Sebelia, comes into camera view.

Crack is w[h]ack, kids. And apparently a playground in New York. [source]

Another Super Senior is Irina S., who maybe was a jerk? And lastly Vancouver, Washington (!!!) native Seth Aaron has returned. Back in my Forever21 days, it was rumored that Seth Aaron would pop in and drop some fat cash on fast-food fashion for some unknown reason. Seriously. Why would a male fashion designer buy cheap, child-labor, designer-rip-off women's clothing?

He's very Forever Twenty-oney in that shirt. [source]

Anyway, Alyssa Milano explained that this year the winner will receive "exposure on an unprecedented scale", which is pretty vague but - whatever, I won't question her. The challenge, she explained, was "the biggest fashion trend of the year: punk!" I thought the biggest fashion trend was overalls but what do I know? I'm not a New Yorker.

The contestants all run off to Mood, the biggest fabric store ever and they have the shortest amount of time anyone could ever spend in any fabric store. I can spend HOURS in JoAnn's looking for fabric so I can't imagine actually finding what I need in a giant store, with an actual selection of fabrics in 30 minutes. But somehow they do it!

Just the Wool Knits section of Mood would take up a half hour of me crying from being overwhelmed. [source]

At this point the Parsons work room must be still used up by The Real Project Runway because they are all told to go deep into the basement of Mood to sew their garments for 10 hours. How very punk of them, no?

Zana Roberts Rassi rolls out of bed with last night's make-up on, forgets to brush her hair, and stumbles into the cellar of Mood to give the designers a tiny, tiny bit of inspiration. Zana is All Stars/Poor Man's Tim Gunn and she pales in comparison. She uses nonsensical fashion terms like "bric-a-brac", "fashion forward", and "next level" as critique. She only shows up once in this episode to throw out some fashion gems and it looks very painful for her:

Tim Gunn would never show up in less than a suit and bowtie. Take notes, Zana! [source]

Most of the designers are making things that non-fashion people would not consider punk but they somehow have authority because they are all wearing black. And, really, what is more punk than a commercialized, brand-soaked, mainstream show about fashion?

In the basement, Victor pounds grommets onto the sleeves on his jacket and smashes his little hands over and over. Ari uses a sash green fabric to gracefully drape around her model. Daniel said you could make "anything" with chiffon and got some hot pink Volkswagen Beetle eyelashes to belt around his black business suit.

It's molting. [source]

The models come in for a fitting and Elena is having some issues with her pieced together jacket. Her only saving grace for the Discovery Zone jump zone inspired jacket is that HER MODEL (not Elena!!!) suggests that she turn the whole thing around.

Oh! Before I forget, the designers get to work with punk-rock Mary Kay this season for the make up and have their choice of any punk-rock accessories from the QVC accessories wall. In case you don't know anything about punk, those two vendors are the top choice of fashion icons Joey Ramone and Sid Vicious.

Anyway, there wasn't enough drama in the makeshift punk rock work room, so I'm just going to fast forward to the next day when their looks are complete and wanna-be Heidi Klum is greeting them on the runway. Alyssa is wearing a too-long leather "punk" skirt, "punk" chiffon sleeve eyebrows (you can make anything with chiffon!), and perfectly "punk" tidal wave hair.

Punk Rock. [source]

She informs us that this season's prizes make this the "biggest" All Stars yet. The winner will receive a prize package that consists of: the "opportunity" to work with home shopping network QVC ("that's the dream of every designer" - Jeffrey "Punk" Sebeila), the title of some kind of editor for a year at Marie Claire, HP stuff, Mary Kay stuff, a year supply of bottled water (dumb), potentially launching a line, a trip to SE Asia to inspire them, blah blah blah, $750,000.

The judges this season are "the beautiful Georgina Chapman", Isaac "Target" Mizrahi, Alyssa Milano, and for this episode only Debbie "Blondie" Harry, who just so happens to have a new album coming out. (Plug plug plug.) Debbie Harry has Elena very excited because "she is everything" and in Elena's motherland "they know Blawndee".

Overall the looks were... fine. I guess. I don't know. Christopher made a Two-Face/Jekyll and Hyde dress. Korto made an evening dress because "punk is so broad". Irina made this Blazers dancer dress:

This look was "safe". [source]

Mychael Knight forgot to put pants on his model. Ari made some tailored shorts with a green chiffon sash. Seth Aaron made plaid pants with suspenders because he knows punk. Melissa put a sea sponge on her model's head and took all day to make a boring vest:

This was either bottom three or top three. I can't remember because attention span. [source]

Jeffrey made a coffee-stained tulle mullet skirt with a leopard trimmed blazer:

This look was in the Top Three. [source]

Daniel's car eyelash outfit didn't make much of a splash with the judges and it was just "safe":

The bane of Beetles everywhere. [source]

And if you don't know what I'm talking about please educate yourself here at eyelashes4cars.com.

Viktor "I'm a big boy now" Luna wore his punkiest outfit: cut off shorts with combat boots, baseball cap with dinosaur toys, and his leather jacket with wings. His model on the other hand had a tailored grommet sleved blazer, H&M printed pants, Avril Lavigne hair, and a business woman weekender bag. 

This is hilarious. [source]

And this is the look that won:

Remember it was the model - not Elena - that "saved" this look. [source]

Her looks seems more inspired by Punky Brewster than punk but somehow it worked for Debbie Harry and she even agreed to wear it. Somewhere. She didn't say where so maybe just at home. This all caused Elena to topple over from excitement.


Again, this is Elena's first win ever AND it's Blondie ("she is everything"). Also, this is huge because this is apparently her father's dream for her. Speaking to her father she said, "Your dream for me has come true! Your icon Debbie Harry is wearing my stuff!" Kind of an obscure dream for a dad to have for a daughter but, hey, I don't know his life.

In other news Viktor "ate a giant piece of humble pie" as he was put on the chopping block with Ari, who "lost the spirit of the challenge." In the end Ari was sent home and yet Viktor was the one who cried. You just can't make some people happy.

Tonight! On Project Runway All Stars!

Drama, drama, drama! Bleeped out words! Guest judge! And some other stuff I didn't pay attention to! Let's all be surprised together!!!! 



2 comments:

  1. hahahaha you're not the only one who watches All Stars! loooove it. haaaaate Elena.

    I have a feeling that this whole season will be a big dumb let-down. But I'll watch regardless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad I'm not alone! In the watching All Stars and not liking Elena. :)

      And you are not alone in feeling like this season is going to suck. I enjoyed regular ol' Project Runway last season but All Stars just doesn't do it for me. I will watch too, but I will miss Heidi and Tim.

      Delete