Chris Harrison greets us with open arms. [source]
With Chris Harrison touting Juan Pablo's season as the "most controversial" and with fans "locked in a heated debate" over it, I thought this Women Tell All would have been filled with everything interesting. It wasn't. I never learn.
Since Juan Pablo has been such a dud, Chris Harrison and ABC wanted to remind the viewer that sometimes they get it right, so they had America's Sweethearts Sean and Catherine come out. Cathy has her new Marriage Bangs and Sean had a kind of glow that doesn't come out of a bottle (his M.O.) but one that results from real happiness.
They're so cute. [source]
Chris Harrison asked them when they plan to have little Seans and Cathys running around. Sean replied "in about 12 months" which lets me know he is ready to have children since he's already measuring time in months rather than years.
[source - edited in case anyone under 13 is reading this]
So, yeah, then we watch Chris Harrison interview Miss Piggy - not a real person in love - who is engaged to Kermit the Frog - also not a real person in love. This frog turns out to be an impostor Kermit and, hey, not only is Juan Pablo good friends with the Yellow M&M he is also the fake best man in the fake wedding between Miss Piggy and Kermit The Foam Frog who has a new movie coming out on March 21st. It's all an advertisement. None of it's real, like the Bachelor is. Wink wink. And is Juan Pablo really so undesirable his only friends are fictional characters? ¡Estúpido!
Chris Harrison said that "some love him, some don't, but anyone can agree that Juan Pablo has his moments." Then we are subjected to a montage of shirtless Juan Pablo and the women talking about how hot he is, how hot his accent is, and how hot he is when he plays soccer. The purpose of the montage was to show how Juan Pablo "has his moments" and yet all it did was reiterate how few, fleeting, and meaningless those "moments" are.
Audience members - they're just like us!
Chris Harrison doesn't think so though and said, "Clearly you are all attracted to him. Why wasn't that enough?" Oh, Chris Harrison... thank you for being the voice of the people and for being brave enough to ask the age old question: Physical Beauty - why isn't it enough?
After they all acknowledged that Juan Handsomebo only has his looks, the majority of the ladies told all about how he had no interest in getting to know them. Apparently Juan Pablo asked one of the mystery bachelorettes "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and then the next time he saw her (not five years later, maybe a day at most) he asked "Where do you see yourself in three years?" You know, because Juan Pablo cares about the ladies.
Chris Harrison then brought the focus onto #BachelorNation (aka people who like the Bachelor). He said, "One of the issues that all of Bachelor Nation was talking about was Clare in Vietnam." (you know, the "swimming in the ocean" thing). This gets Bachelor Nation's panties all in a bunch:
After the commercial break, Chris Harrison pulled the beautiful Sharleen on stage and said that she had one of the most intriguing Bachelor relationships ever.
You can tell by his expression/posture how intrigued he is. [source]
They talked, she used words to show how intellectual and intriguing she is, it was boring, then ABC showed this again:
Like I wouldn't notice!
Sharleen didn't realize how special Juan Pablo thought she was, but the other ladies did. Sharleeeeen said "I actually have a lot of respect for him." Which comes to a shock to everyone because respect? Juan Pablo? Does not compute.
Throwing up in her mouth. [source]
Next the sweetest lady ever (which unfortunately also makes for boring television), single mom Renee, got some one-on-one time with Chris Harrison. The audience was sad because she had unrequited love for Juan Pablo...
Tear or misplaced glitter? [source]
...but turn that frown upside down because Renee is in a "situation" with someone and she is very happy!! Hey oh! The only problem is, I've been in a few "situations" too, Renee, but I rarely hear that as a term to describe a happy relationship. A lot of situations are bad. Specifically this one:
The Situation. [source]
Now it's time for Andi to "tell all" about her previous weeks' departure. Chris Harrison asked her "What was it about him that you were falling in love with?" She said, "He was incredibly attractive." which makes me wonder - again - why isn't hotness enough?!
Basically Andi thought Juan Pablo was pretty cool at first and even "in that moment" before the Fantasy Suite she "could have fallen in love with him." The cameras left them alone to partake in fantasy and such, but then the fantasy turned to reality. She realized that all Juan Pablo talked about was his soccer, his traveling, and who his friends. She felt like he was negative and ungrateful for "the whole process" - the "whole process" of getting to pick his potential wife out of 27 women - and she then started complaining again about the unresolved issues they discussed the previous week.
Andi mentioned how Juan Pablo used the term "default" about her being there. She's still bothered by how he mentioned on their overnight date that he had had an overnight with Clare before that. It made her feel "cheap." Even with all that, she said that he's not mean, he just has no filter.
I know, ladies. I know. [source]
Andi admitted that at one point during the overnight date she just closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep, which is pretty awesome.
Chris Harrison wrapped up the Andi interview by asking if she's in a "situation", like Renee, and she's not. Then he gave her an onslaught of "but do you want to be?", "are you ready to be?", "are you looking for love?", "do you want to be looking for love?", "do you want love?", etc. Of course she is very open for love, which pretty much confirms her bid for being the Bachelorette. So I'm sure we will see her on ABC at 8 p.m. on Mondays in the near future.
Chris Harrison announced that Juan Pablo was coming out and the only men in the audience were revealed:
Big Juan Pablo fans. [source]
Juan Pablo walked out and Chris Harrison asked him what it felt like to be in a room with his ex-girlfriends. "It's just nervous." he said eloquently. As he looked at his ex-ladies he said, "I believe I can have sum frienz here. After da final rose we will b regularr people and friends it will be fun. Hi Andi." Kermit and Yellow then shook their heads at the idea of Juan Pablo being friends with anyone but them.
Chris Harrison asked Juan Pablo if he had any regrets. Juan Pablo said, "No, no, no. At the end of the day you have 2 B very mature n honest. Sometimes that happens to seem a leettle RUDE."
He went on to say something he should regret by now (but continues to say): "I rather not being appreciate it and being honest, than being appreciate it, not being honest."
How cute... he thinks "appreciated" is two words.
Chris Harrison then brought up how Juan Pablo said he wasn't going to kiss certain women, then he would kiss another woman shortly after saying that. Juan Besitos wasn't there to kiss 27 women, he said. And then we are treated to this again, like it's the first time:
She is like the Bachelor Full Moon of audience members. [source]
Juan Pablo gets some more questions from the ladies because he's got some essplaining to do. One woman said that he needed to stop using the excuse of English being his second language, to which I refer her to this:
He just says it like it is. And I think he should be APPRECIATE it for it.
Kelly, the Dog Lover, called him out for a comment he made off the show about the possibility of a homosexual Bachelor. In tears she explains that, as the daughter of a gay man, she was hurt that he said homosexuals are more "pervert". He said he would essplain to her the taken-out-of-context comment off camera so he could take his time. Sharleen actually defended him and his open mind using the word "bookend" which only proved to confuse him:
After we all got to laugh at Juan Pablo's expense, Chris Harrison's ready to wrap up the episode a half hour earlier than normal! Yesssss! Christmas came early this year and brought me a nice little package!
St. Lucia! Clare! Nikki! Who will be the juan?! Why are they both crying?! Why are they playing horror movie music?! More crying?!!! Who is da juan?! Find out TONIGHT on the explosive live television event!